growing pains

Baby brawl

I had the task of baby sitting my one year old sister- this little bundle of joy that never smiles- and really learnt a great deal of stuff I always took for granted. For instance, not all kids are easy to please, my ‘goochi goos’ work like magic on others but only meet half eyed cold stares from this little monster. This is before she breaks into this teary squeal like she is about to get butchered. In fact, she prefers punching, kicking and tearing off my hair as a favorite pastime that I helplessly comply with lest she falls back into her nerve wrecking tantrums.

LESSON 1: Changing a diaper

      To be honest, mom made this feat look easy and I did not even dwell on the specifics until my moment of reckoning came. Putting it on was the easy part because all the three steps were on the ‘Pampers’ package, though at first I fitted them inside out. I’m done securing it when I feel some warm lump on her bum and I’m like, “oh no you didn’t!” and she is like, “Nye Nye Nye” which is baby for, ‘oh yes I did!’ pampers should seriously consider adding a step 5 and 6 for removing the darn thing because I ended up covered in baby profanities all over my face and t-shirt. I have officially filed a complaint and I’m suing them in court.

LESSON 2: Baby lingo

      We all know babies do not speak nothing, they just do it, taking the adage actions are better than words quite literarily so to speak. When Nduks wants to piss, she just sets her self loose and bawls like I’m the one who did it. In case she was roaming around the house and there is some eerie quiet, that girl is up to something terrible. I’ve come to master the calm before the storm because there is nothing as creepy as warm piss trickling down your back, into your shorts to your legs.

LESSON 3: Feeding kids

      Oh yeah, seems easy but they do not like food but prefer eating dirt, garbage and especially anything on the ground that can fit in their oral cavities. Sadly, they do not discern that they are hungry and thus come the task of forcefully shoveling it down their throats. I find it a little bit extreme but we do not want Nduks starving to death now do we? The whole ordeal leaves a huge mess that needs washing her and thoroughly cleaning the battle field and not forgetting me.

LESSON 4: Love drug

      It takes more than guts of steel to stand the stress of raising a child but just a dose of love and patience completes the equation. It beats me how my mom managed to raise all three rowdy boys and one silent daughter without strangling any of us to death and I now have much more respect and love for her. To all mothers, like Beyonce says, you run this world and we just live in it.

The whole experience ultimately made me know that I will never ever get hitched, not now, not tomorrow and not in a million years. I do not want my wife to labor with kids just because I asked her to be my sleeping partner till we die but heck if she wants; I’m prepared to give her a perpetual pregnant matrimony.