POLITICALLY INCORRECT

It comes naturally of course when we loath and shy away from politicians. They all seem to be doing some dirty business behind the scenes away from our prying eyes and later emerge with million dollar smiles or sometimes bloody hands. If not stealing maize, it is votes they are stealing and they always manage to get away with it. That is what we call genius people not barbarism.

For the past few days it has been extremely hard or shall I say inevitable to escape the clutches of these esteemed citizens. They seem to jump out of any crook and cranny as you walk in the street to shower you with promises which we both know will never ever come to pass. Anyway, like any civilized member of society, I humbly gulp down the crap they feed my tiny head and it goes right through me. I had to endure one in the library floor as he ‘convinced’ me how he would make the campus party run for a whole week. Poor guy forgot that the library was badly in need of books and sitting space which I was hot on my heels after.

Some care so much for their student supporters that they are much obliged to buy them a pot of ‘busaa’ to keep them awake as they preach their agenda. A few hours later, the whole entourage is dead drunk, sprawled on the floor. When they come around they probably will not remember who bought the beer or how they got their in the first place. The newly recruited supporters will be found in a certain eatery the next day confidently chanting slogans to another political aspirant or receiving money from yet another philanthropic politician.

A small encounter nearly changed my perception of the politicians and their antics. This very well dressed gentleman winged by a bunch of burly guys had the audacity to stop our scholarly ‘gang’ as we trudged to class oblivious of the fact that we were running late. I offered a hand shake but got an embrace and a ‘hello comrade’ instead. Oh yeah, you do not get that every day from a complete stranger now, do you? It was more of a bear hug really and I give him an E for effort for trying to look human. Let me just say my honest compliments always land me in trouble but it is not my problem, I am just a victim really.

Why politicians look so different a species from their fellow Sapiens is a question that has puzzled philosophers and scientists alike. The hate and obscenities that dog them are as old as Genghis Khan and Alexander the Great. Funny thing is, they are the people who command loyal armies to kill for them and comprise the crème de la crème of society and I wonder who is pulling the other’s leg, the voter or the politician or both? . It got me thinking, hey, it is a democratic thing and every man is as vile as the next but these brave men and women have to draw out the best out of them to rally that kind of support for their despicable behaviors. It takes guts and I must give credit to whom that deserves it.

riots, riots, more riots

I do not find it peculiar that our dignified lecturers are rioting all over town, actually it is the hip thing now and everybody is doing it. Egypt started it, Libya did it, and Syria is still doing it. The Occupy Wall Street thing in US has no real agenda but in Kenya, we give new meaning to ‘protest’ in our own cool way. If you do not know how to strike, dude you are so ol’ skul and you should…seriously, MUST get lessons from You Tube ASAP. Yo, this how we get down and dirty around here bro!!

It is humbling when your tutor comes to you seeking handy strategies on how to organize and execute a ‘safe’ running battle with the police. Tactics of laying boulders on the highway and hurling rocks with accuracy were formally instructed to our eager lecturers. Who will turn down the assurance of better grades in the dreaded State and Development class? They must have planned this for a long time, fine-tuning the onslaught to the very tiny details with the precision of ‘operation Linda Nchi’.

In their plans, it seems they overlooked one crucial aspect of their physique. Advice: you cannot exercise your right to riot if you never exercise. We will have to rely on the reformed police/thugs to knock some sense into their heads that they are not as nimble as they used to be. Who are they kidding, with their beer bellies and vitenges, these people are no match for our new and improved law enforcement force. The idea of Mr. Musisi and the flamboyant Mrs. Anyonje running from a mob of bloodthirsty GSU officers brandishing rungus is unfathomable. To think that Ole Kamau will be able to subdue the anti-riot police with his threats that make me dread every Monday morning is just horseplay. 

As the lecturers meant to mentor us are busy picketing and mouthing profanities in the streets of Kakamega, occupants of room 118 are wondering why the work study students were left out. Obviously, they are the ones who get the peanuts of the peanuts paid to regular staff but heck if anyone cares.

For my part, I just wish we riot against more important things like, the high price of chicken since we are in Kakamega. Maybe we also riot against this girl who thinks dumping me makes the world a better place. Lady, look around, it is not like you turned down the heat on global warming and Kim Jong Il is not retiring any time soon. Last time I checked, the shilling is still behaving badly so come back and maybe we can do something about it.

finding me...

I have been roaming around the net and I made a life changing discovery; everyone I know has a lil something about themselves. So I thought maybe I should too, because for one, I really need a couple more ‘real’ followers in my blog. Actually I have only one-an affiliate of the Russian Mafia- and very soon he might start asking for protection money!!

Anyway, I thought it was pretty easy writing about me only to find out I don’t know NOTHING/NADA/ZIT! about myself. I have been with me for around two decades yet I don’t have even a tiny clue who I really am, which is a little bit weird…okay, dreadfully weird.

I guess it is time I put my shit together and blaze my own trail in saving the planet or ruling it, whichever comes first although I prefer the later because I recently perfected my super evil laugh. It is like nothing you have ever heard before, a cocktail of the most formidable, blood cuddling villain cackles that ever existed. It will make Ming the merciless speechless and it will surely wipe out The Joker’s smug grin.

Oh yeah, I am going to revolutionize the wicked laugh industry for ever my dear friend. It is so gruesome, I cringe in fear after delivering it and it has taken some time getting used to it. I am pretty sure even superman’s chivalrous heart’s antics will be cut short at the slightest snort of my laugh.

So I guess the only thing left is to laugh my way to full control of the world, feeding on the fear in my nemesis’ souls. I mean, how hard could that be? I will surpass all the medieval men who tried to take over the earth and failed, rewriting the books of history, filling their pages with my awesomeness.

 My heroic deeds (or wicked, depends on the parties involved) will be the stuff of legend and murals will be erected at every street corner in my name as the grandest monarch that ever walked this earth. PwahahaHahahahaha cough! cough!